Hodge's Bar
by I'dBeDelighted
Summary: What was William thinking whilst sat in Hodge's Bar?


**Two days ago…**

He should be at home comforting his wife, but here he was sitting in Hodge's bar. He'd been staring at his glass for so long he'd lost track of time. What was he doing here anyway? He didn't even drink! How could he have been so callous? All he'd done since walking out was go over the events of last night. If only she hadn't forced the conversation when she did. He was raw from the disappointment and upset of the last few days; he didn't need the confrontation and his emotions got the better of him. He'd lost his temper and…he'd lost her. She'd never take him back now. Did he even want to go back…?

He'd compromised so much over the years to be with her, it was all bound to come back to haunt him sooner or later. They'd been living in a bubble and it had now burst, reality had set in. There was too much between them, their beliefs were so opposite at times. If it were anyone else he'd have walked away long ago, but this was Julia. He could never understand the hold she had over him. From the moment he met her he was her captive. Never once had he doubted his love… until now…. But deep down he knew he still loved her because there could never be anyone else.

He was reminded of the Jesuits warning them of the dangers of the opposite sex and quoting Cornelius a Lapide, who had likened women to sirens: _"…her glance is that of the fabled basilisk, her voice a siren's voice—with her voice she enchants, with her beauty she deprives of reason—voice and sight alike deal destruction and death."_

Well that was Julia for him; he was forever in her thrall…even now….

But could he go back even if she'd have him? Could he continue to put everything he believed aside to be with her? Because if she would have him back he knew that's what he would have to do, he just didn't see any way around it. Changing Julia's view of the world would be akin to moving a mountain.

Being honest with himself he had to admit he admired her strength of character _and_ her conviction in her beliefs, even if he could never agree with them; and that's where the problem lay.

He knew whom he had married and he always knew the chasm between them was wide. She, a woman doctor raised as a wealthy socialite; he a lowly detective born in poverty to a dysfunctional family. But that never was an issue for her. She loved him for whom he was, not what he was. But he, despite loving her more than himself, saw all her flaws, at least what _he_ believed were flaws: Her bull headedness (which he had to admit had got her where she was), her beliefs which always seemed to conflict with his, her rashness and spontaneity which allowed her to throw caution to the wind. So opposite to him; he was always cautious, abhorred rashness, which in his line of work could get you into trouble, and spontaneity was something he'd never understood. How does one just drop everything and follow a whim?

Well…it didn't matter whether he understood or not now, he'd lost her, he'd lost everything….

His thoughts were interrupted by someone stumbling into him; he immediately reacted, grabbing the man and smashing his head into the bar.

xxxXxxx

"… _I lost my temper - said some things."_

" _Who hasn't done that?"_

" _Some things I may even believe."_

" _Well, sir, what's more important to you? Those things or_ _ **her**_ _?"_

" _Both."_

" _Well, if you'll beg my pardon sir, perhaps you should find out if those two things could exist together."_

" _Another mystery for me to solve, eh George?"_

" _Well, you don't need to be William Murdoch to solve that one, sir. She's the one for you. You know it. I know it."_

xxxXxxx

 **Now…**

Words of wisdom—from George Crabtree.

But he's right, Julia is the one for me, everyone seems to realize it but me.

What am I doing sitting here? I know I should go home, but I can't. Can I?

Would she take me back?

Perhaps if I apologize? No, Julia would never take me back after the way I walked out. I may as well have said I thought that God _was_ punishing us, after all I didn't deny it, and walking out would have confirmed it in her eyes.

I should go to confession… but how do I confess this to a priest? _"Father forgive me for I have sinned. I walked out on my wife because she had a miscarriage, and confirmed in her eyes, that I believed it was God's punishment for an abortion she had before I met her."_

What would the Father think of that? He'd probably agree.

But do I really think it was God's punishment…?

Can I reconcile our differing beliefs? Julia will never compromise her's but can I, should I, compromise mine?

(Sigh) It seems over the years I have already compromised mine…especially when it comes to Julia. I no longer blindly follow the Church's teachings; experience has taught me nothing is black and white. I was willing to marry Julia even if she divorced and I put her abortion behind me so I could be with her. Can I now put any abortion behind me? Would I be a hypocrite for judging others when I have withheld judgement from Julia?

What was it that brought us…me…to this?

Did Julia really withhold information, or was she confirming her suspicions as I arrived? If that was the case then I am definitely in the wrong.

I believed she was keeping information from me because she knew I would disapprove but maybe I jumped to conclusions.

Why did she force the issue? If only I'd had time to think things through before talking about it I may have realized in time…in time to save my marriage.

Saving my marriage. Ha! Trying to save someone else's as a way to absolve myself. How well did that turn out?

If I hadn't been so self-absorbed I may have seen through the lies and wouldn't have been used; used to find a wife that had just cause to leave.

Julia has just cause to not take _me_ back.

I said we'd all have a new life, but what kind of new life was I planning for myself? One without Julia, far away from Toronto where I wouldn't be constantly reminded of her. But I can't do that, the fact that I'm still sitting here says it all.

I made a huge mistake, I let emotion get the better of me. Now I have to make a decision. Do I take the easy way out or do I go home, apologize, make amends somehow, and hope she'll take me back?

God, _please_ , let her take me back….

xxxXxxx

A/N: I had wanted to do an introspection piece from William's POV for some time and finally got around to writing it. When talking to Ruthie Green I found she had also wanted to do one from Julia's POV. So…the obvious thing to do was co-ordinate our stories and put them up as companion pieces. So here is William's introspection. Please visit Ruthie Green's page for Julia's, titled Bitter Suite.

Reviews always welcome and encouraged


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